With the inauguration of The Donald now official, there’s never been a better time to look back over this most unexpected of political years and take a shot at answering some of the questions missed by the mainstream media elite and their biased fake news agendas. While they’re all busy pushing their liberal conspiracy theories about nonsense like sexually assaulting strangers, the mocking of disabled journalists and having one’s tummy tickled by Vladimir Putin, the important questions are being lost in the ether.
With that in mind, I present an article with a scattering of meaningless and unrelated facts, no insight and no meaningful analysis whatsoever (i.e. ‘convincing arguments’, according to 2016) and ask the question we’ve all been dying to ask: just who would Forrest Gump have voted for in 2016’s presidential election?
With his disarmingly straightforward, happy-go-lucky nature and everyman ability to connect with people across the whole spectrum of life, Forrest Gump, to some, embodies ‘All That Is Right With America.’ As a man who has met three presidents, crossed the entire country on foot, fought for America in Vietnam, started a huge business corporation (“it’s a household name”) and has been witness to some of the most influential events in American history, Forrest seems to be a prime candidate for acting as a nifty human barometer to measure how all this came to pass, and what is to follow.
So, as Forrest Gump’s Mama always said: life is like a box of chocolates. Let’s find out if, when dipping his finger into that big box of voting chocolates, Forrest would have picked out a delicious progressive caramel, or a disgusting £1 advent calendar chocolate filled with toxic waste.
The Demographics: Forrest The White Man From Alabama
Forrest Gump resides in Greenbow County, Alabama, where he was born, raised and, were he not a figment of the imagination, almost certainly would have died. While Greenbow is not a real place, according to the original book from which the screenplay was adapted (yeah, me neither before researching this), Forrest hailed from Mobile, Alabama, which fortunately enough for us is a very real place.
According to NPR, Mobile County voted by a margin of 55% – 41% in favour of The Donald at the 2016 election, slightly below the state average of 63% – 35%. Gulp.
Forrest is also a white man. In total, out of 47 counties in Alabama, all but 12 are majority white counties, with all but two of those majority white counties voting for The Donald, with the more white counties voting more strongly for Trump. On a national level, men voted for Agent Orange by a majority of 53% – 41%. All roads lead to Trump so far. Slam dunk.
The Score: Donald 1 – 0 Hillary
In the opening moments of the film we learn that little Forrest is named after Nathan Bedford Forrest, an ancestor who was thought to be the first ever Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. Bedford Forrest himself has a weirdly fascinating story (seriously, read his Wikipedia page) as a civil war general and slave trader. With family like that, who needs enemies, huh?
One of the most controversial elements of the 2016 election campaign was the white supremacist support for The Donald. Although he eventually denounced current KKK Grand Wizard David Duke, he took his sweet time, and his disavowal did nothing to dissuade the KKK of his credentials for president. Endorsed by the KKK’s official newspaper in the days before the election, The Donald was clearly the choice of the Klanboys.
Though Forrest never outwardly displayed any white supremacist tendencies in the two hours of his life we were privy to, the family connection to the KKK and their subsequent endorsement of The Donald could well have been enough to convince Forrest that Trump was the man for him. You can choose your friends, and all that.
The Score: Donald 2 – 0 Hillary
College, Football, Dr Pepper & Racial Tension
Thanks in large part to being bullied into running a lot, Forrest Gump managed to sprint his way to a college degree through an American Football scholarship. His college years bore all the hallmarks of a classic 1960s American college experience; girls (well, Jenny), vices (Dr Pepper), competitive sport and racial hatred.
Forrest was present as Vivian Malone and James Hood became the first black students to enrol at the University of Alabama despite the best efforts of George Wallace, the state governor at the time. Famously, Forrest put politics aside and simply did the right thing, returning Ms Malone’s book to her after she dropped it on the way in. Nerves, eh?
Furthermore, according to exit polls, college educated voters generally voted in greater numbers for Hillary Clinton.Phew
The Score: Donald 2 – 1 Hillary
Viet F*cking Nam
As Forrest called it, he fit in the army “like one of them round pegs”. With his impressive physique and nature of unquestioningly following orders without any critical thought, he really did make the perfect G.I. From disassembling rifles to keeping his socks dry, every order was followed to the letter. It’s no wonder he was awarded a Medal of Honor, even before he saved four of his comrades lives.
With his policy announcements including forensic details such as “we’re going to take care of our veterans like they have never been taken care of before” it’s no wonder veterans voted for The Donald by a margin of 60% – 34%.
Wait, hang on, didn’t The Donald insult a dead Iraq veteran’s family, closely followed by all veterans everywhere by saying those with PTSD “couldn’t handle it”? Oh yeah, he did. Clearly those vets are a stubborn bunch. If Forrest was told by his Drill Sergeant to vote like the majority of his squad, there’s no doubting he would have.
Stupid is as stupid does.
The Score: Donald 3 – 1 Hillary
Forrest Redefines ‘Squad Goals’
Now we arrive at two of the most influential people in Forrest’s life, both of whom Forrest met in the army. Firstly, our main man in the shrimpin’ biz, Benjamin Buford Blue, better known as Bubba. Forrest’s best friend and prospective business partner, Forrest and Bubba shared every moment of Bubba’s military service together until, tragically, Bubba died “right there by that river in Vietnam”. Hailing from a family of former slaves, and bearing in mind that black Americans voted overwhelmingly in favour of Hillary Clinton, Bubba surely would have done the same and recommended that Forrest do so too.
Secondly, it seems unlikely that First Mate Lieutenant Dan Taylor would have been a big fan of The Donald given his ‘impression’ of disabled reporter Serge Kovaleski and subsequent refusal to apologise. Having already reprimanded two New Year’s Eve houseguests for mocking Forrest’s intelligence, he is clearly sensitive to these matters, which is understandable given his limb situation.
However, as his investment in Apple showed, Lieutenant Dan clearly also had a shrewd business mind, something which may have tempted him to vote for The Donald on the basis of his declaration that “no American company will pay more than 15% of their business income in taxes”. However, with the Apple investment turning out to be somewhat of a success, perhaps money wouldn’t have seemed all that important anymore. Fingers crossed.
One point from Bubba and one from Lt. Dan draws things level. This is getting tense.
The Score: Donald 3 – 3 Hillary
Jenny: The Pea To Forrest’s Carrot
Ahh, Jen-nay. There can be no doubt about the identity of the most influential person in Forrest’s life: Jenny Curran. From the girl who first told Forrest to run and simultaneously straightened his spine, to the wife that Forrest married right there in his garden (watched, of course, by Lieutenant Dan and his “magic legs”), Forrest and Jen-nay always were like peas and carrots.
As a female, (partly) college-educated hippie with ties to the Black Panthers and the anti-war movement, her political leanings seem pretty cut and dried. Further, comments by The Donald that “if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, maybe I’d be dating her” might well have sat uncomfortably with Jen-nay, given her family history.
And wherever Forrest went, Jen-nay was right there with him.
Final Score: Donald 3 – 4 Hillary
At The End Of The Day, Mama Always Knew Best
After that incredibly scientific investigation, it’s clear that the empirical evidence available suggests that everybody’s favourite shrimp boat captain would NOT have voted for The Donald, but he may well have seriously considered it. Phew. You’ve still got a chance, America.
Realistically, let’s face it; all this theoretical hot air would have been irrelevant to Forrest anyway. He would obviously have done whatever Mama said to do – after all, Mama always had a way of explaining things so he could understand them.
And that’s all I have to say about that.